Just an FYI

For the most part I won't be updating much until I get a job. Not much really differs from day to day. I don't feel like uploading the details of the veeesit, as if you feel like asking, I'll just tell you. lol. :P
This curbs my desire to discuss details of what I'm feeling while I am trying to find a job. That way no one can say that all I do is complain. :P

Everything Goes

9 Dec 2009
So, It has been a couple weeks since I have posted, but as I had said in the last post: not much has changed. That remains so today. I've been applying for jobs here and there, when I see something that I might want to do or think that I am qualified for I go for it. So far though I have decided to move away from the Gov't jobs as it seems they are not really interested in someone who has just come out of school, qualified or not.
I still do not quite know where I want to go or what I want to do. It is always interesting how things work out, when you think you know which direction you are going, only to flip it on it's head and go elsewhere; not always of course being your decision.
The problem I have is 1) I don't know what I want to do, 2) I'm not confident in myself enough to say that I am good enough to do something, 3) I owe too much money to necessarily do what I may really want to do.
I don't regret the choices I have made (except maybe the loans,) but they have gotten me to where I am today, brought me to the friends I have, the educations and experiences that I have. I wouldn't trade those for anything.
I have some things I need to work on; unfortunately it is easier said than done as you first have to find the way to change those things. I have to start exploring other things that I may want to do and because of that I may have to start a little bit lower on the ladder, I will just have to accept that and do what I have to do until I can move up. Finding what you want to do is like finding a four leaf clover. (Needle in a hay stack is just too cliche and four leaf clovers happen more by chance rather than just digging through the stack.) Unfortunately it is winter... lol, all the clovers are covered up so it may take me a bit longer to find one.
So as everyone keeps telling me, positive positive positive. Well I'm trying :P

I'm hoping this week will be a good week :)
And then It's Christmas, then New Years.
HooHah.

Multiple Selves

Don't you wish sometimes you could split yourself up and go in about 3 different directions?
I have a few directions in which I want to move my life forward, but it is very hard to choose, but of course I don't get to choose until I find out if they are an option... lol
Even so, just let each self go one way and then kinda scope out which one you will be good at/happy about, then report in to the "main self" and then choose that direction. But right now the choices that I make will continue for the next few years, scary stuff as always.
I'm ready to choose I think, but it's not at that point yet where I can. The waiting game continues.
Apply and wait, apply and wait, so fun and very fatiguing.

Not too much new has really happened since the last few posts. Mainly the same thing everyday, trying to conserve what little money I have left, and visiting family mostly. I don't know at this point where I'll end up so I figure I should get as much time in as I can. I go out to lunch with my Grandma about 2 to 3 times a week, visit with the cousins and the parents. I like to visit, and not just my family, but my friends and old professors. I like to go from place to place and visit and chat.

I'm about ready to have something new though, hope it'll get figured out soon.

The flight into the airy sky

It would be nice not to feel grounded.
I need a bloody job to get myself out of this rut.
Hmph.

Funny thing about being home

Fri 13 Nov 2009
I've realised this in the past couple of weeks.
All the messages, all the applause, all the eagerness to see someone that you haven't seen in awhile because they have been away, disappears the moment you see them and realise that they will be around for the foreseeable future. It is sad really... I'm not saying this from my perspective, I say this for all the people that were so happy to hear that I was coming home because they missed me or whatnot and were eager to catch up; things of that nature. I'm not saying that everyone is like this, but most. It's a fairly disappointing process, you are no longer a commodity, rather just an everyday occurance. Not even everyday, just knowing that you are a phone call away completely erases all the excitement of not talking. People you thought were really wanting to talk to you, see how you were, what you are up to in life, really couldn't give two shits about you at all. Just using a facade of feeling that becomes so hyped up that when the person missed realises its all a charade, is a really big downer.
I'm not saying all this to get sympathy or to berate friends who feel that I'm not important enough to go out of their way to talk to, or to feel sorry for myself; it is merely an observation. I am sure that I am not the only one that has come to feel this way.

This idea that you can talk to anyone with a click of a button, or a text message, or anything from this god awful computer age has completely taken the life out of conversation, of catching up with people from the past, from being able to properly 'miss' someone, miss their talks, miss their presence. Obviously being a certain distance away, having this feeling can still be felt, as even though you may speak to someone you know that seeing them in person is something that will not happen often, whereas if you live a state or two away, maybe not so.

I have become so obsessed with the stupid facebook, of aim/msn, of my phone; all to feel a connection to another person at the other end. Usually it works and I am able to talk to people that sincerely wish to have conversation with me and miss me and want to talk to me, but there are those times where you try and chat with someone, where it's like talking to a shell, a phantom even, they reply but honestly no one is really there. It makes you think about where this person is and if you ever really had a decent conversation that you didn't start yourself.

Hmmm. I sincerely miss the friends in England, at this point I can't say I have missed people ever this much (besides my family when I was over there). There are only a few people here (not at home) that I could say that I've missed.

It interests me to study how many people will wait to be talked to online and how many people will proactively try to talk to people. Most will just wait and hope that they are needed enough for people to search them out then there are those who are desperate enough to talk to anyone and everyone who pops up as being there. Then there are those, who, like me, will do both. Mostly just to see what happens, see who wants to talk to you. It is interesting what you find out.

I guess I am pondering all of these things because I have been home now for a couple months. I have thought about all of these things as I talk to the people that said they have missed me in the past, wanted to chat, and so forth. I don't have many people at home to go around and hang out with so I rely heavily on people to talk to online. It's hard to do that. It's certainly not the same, but with certain people that is all I have at this time and I'll take what I can get. But there are always those feelings of people that you'd like to talk to, that won't give you the time of day, and usually you realise that it was the same in person anyways; so what's the point.

Anyway, that was all a bunch of jibberish. I look forward to december.

Waning patience

Mon. 2 Nov.
Well, another week gone spent at home trying to get a job. Since I've last posted I've applied to a bunch more jobs online and have gone to the temp agency to try and find something for the time being. Went on an interview this past friday, dunno how that went yet; hopefully will find out soon.

This past weekend was halloween. Went over to my friend andrew's, it was a good time, I think he'd wished that he hadn't invited so many people over. I was Magikoopa from Super Mario Bros. Spent too much on the costume that I only wore for like 2 hours. Oh well, it kinda came out crappily, but I dressed up more than most at the party.

I applied to a Historian job today. It sounded pretty interesting and I am actually qualified for it. I actually got a little excited about it as I'm hoping I have a good chance for it. Unfortunately it is in Hawaii, a bit far away and it makes many thing very difficult including seeing family. I suppose that whereever I go it will make it difficult. We'll see, I may not even have to worry about it.

I would like to just forgo the temp job and move into something that I want to do, but I don't think that will happen as quickly as I would like. Not much I can do about that and I suppose I will just have to take it as it comes.
I'm going to see Brian and Jacob this weekend, so that will be good. I also have a career fair on Thursday. Again, we'll see how that goes...

I have to take it week by week, it's nerve wracking.

Home.

Oct. 16

So I was told that I had to write more in this blog. I suppose I should as it is usually a nice way to get some things off my chest and to update people that actually read this thing with what is going on in my life; especially those whom I do not talk to everyday.

If you didn't get it from the title, I am home. I've been home for about 2 1/2 weeks. It feels like it has been ages since I left Nottingham. It really does, it feels like at least a year. I'm missing out on all the fun stuff going on and all the cool people I got to hang around with practically everyday. As I said in my previous post; I don't think I will ever find a more inviting group of people who so quickly made me one of their own and had so much fun with. It was a fairly depressing day, the day I left. I had a knot in my stomach the whole day, and I was tempted numerous times to just not get on the plane. I knew that would not be in my best interest, but at that point I wasn't really sure I would care. My friend Stacey told me that it was okay for me to be sad, until I got on the plane; then I had to be happy to be heading home after a long journey.

I was happy to be going home, but it was just a hard couple of weeks to try and be both happy and sad at the same time. I was very happy to see my friends and family again. It is unfortunate however that a majority of my friends don't live very close to me (2+ hours away.) I have two, maybe three friends in my area of less than 30 minutes away. One goes about an hour 1/2 away for the week and comes home on the weekend and the other works during the week; this basically leaves the weekends. Which is fine, I just haven't found something to do during the week yet....aka job.

I've applied to a couple places and hopefully that will go in the direction that I am hoping. I have two paths and those are Gov't and teaching. I can see myself doing both, but right now it is a matter of which I can get into. Teaching means more school and Gov't is much harder to get into. So we'll see how that goes. For the time being I am toying between subbing and the temp agency. The temp agency is more likely to happen over the subbing as it pays more and I'll have something everyday rather than a maybe every morning getting woken up at 630 to see if I have something for the day or not....not the best of ideas. Early morning wake up call + kids who prolly won't listen to you + not a lot of money = not a happy camper Josh. I'm just hoping I don't screw up the applications for the gov't jobs... But as my mother says I should stay positive and give myself more credit than I do. Which is true; I don't give myself any credit at all.

Being at home is...different...I mean yes, I am 22, practically 23, and independant. But at home the atmosphere is so different than I am used to. I have a smaller space that is not necessary all mine, because I can't really do anything I want to it, and don't have as much room as I would like... such is life. I wouldn't mind getting my own place, but I am certainly not in a position to be able to afford that...again, such is life. I'm happy being home for now, but at a certain point I'm going to have to move on, move past it, and start my life. I look forward to having my own place; being able to put stuff together, have control over the design/looks of the place, and be able to do my own projects. If I want to rip out my bathroom, I could rip out my bathroom...I think if I did that here and my father, my mother more so, came home, they might have something to say about that. I like spending the quality time with the fam, but being home every night gets to be a bit rough and I'm not really used to it.

My room is in a state though...I still haven't unpacked my bag of misc. items yet. Mostly because I don't know what to do with all of it; things like posters, things that sit on your desk, and random assorted technical bits and bobs. Mehr. On top of that I have my Warhammer stuff out, and I have no where to put that stuff either, so it sits in the middle of my floor. I have too many books so those are stacked up on my bureau and too many clothes, so those are all tucked away somewhere.

I went to RI last week. It was a good time, visited all the professors and friends at RWU. There was some interesting goings on in that part of the trip, but I won't delve into that right now. Went to see Brian and Jacob over the weekend; really good time. Zombieland was amazing, we had coney island hot dogs and played some Warhammer. We went to King Richard's Fair. It was fun; expensive though. I shot some arrows...for 4$....threw some knives...for 3$...but it was a good time. Jacob played the emo kid and continuously wandered off...but we put him in his place, I think his mood is better now. There was always a caste we put ourselves in; which was mostly picking on Jacob. This was an earlier situation. Brian just makes fun of all of us, I try and make fun of Brian, usually fail, so I make fun of Jacob too. Jacob tries to make fun of both of us, but fails. I would put that into a graph or something, but that just would take up too much time. But anyway, we put that all behind us; Brian and I decided that we would make it so that routine was no longer followed, but Jake assumed that it would just be the same...so he was pre-emptively emo. That won't stay, we'll make sure of that.

But I feel this is a good enough update for the time being. I'm going to bed, past my usual 1030, which has been the time everyday this week.

Edit: I also decided to make the blog a bit more simple for the time being.